Part II - Hidden Forces

Tribes: Pursuer/Withdrawer

One of my fears as a pursuer/withdrawer is ______.

Couples Breakout

Every couple has a pattern, a dance. It can be so easy to get caught in familiar disagreements that leave us feeling alarmed and disconnected. When the conversation takes that sudden turn, and you feel that uneasy feeling (maybe in your stomach or chest) what do you usually do?

Finish the sentence: “When things start going badly between us, I tend to…”

(Pursuer) Move towards you by:

• Criticizing

• Blaming

• Raising the volume of my voice

• Becoming angry

• Telling you how to change

• Insisting that you pay attention

• Prodding

(Withdrawer) Move away from you by:

• Zoning out

• Staying calm and super-reasonable (Mr. Spock-style)

• Leaving the conversation

• Changing the subject

• Giving up and pulling back

• Not listening

• Getting distracted

Where do you think you learned your move in the dance with your partner? Perhaps from a previous relationship or your family?

Map your moves. Our moves have predictable patterns. When you get to a scary or intense place, slow down, and map out what you experience. Share the steps with your partner.

• “When you [say you’re too tired for sex, critique my child-rearing, won’t talk to me],"

• “I tend to [pursuer: complain, nag, critique, escalate | withdrawer: zone out, ignore you, leave the conversation]. I’m not trying to be mean or aloof. I do it to try to cope with the difficult feelings.”

• “I do it in the hope that [pursuer: you will see and hear me | withdrawer: we will avoid hurting each other].”

• “As the pattern keeps going, I feel [frustrated, numb, alone, confused, sad, frightened].”

• “What I then say to myself is [you don’t care about us, I am not important to you, I can’t make you happy].”

• “When I move in that way, you seem to then [push me to respond, shut down].”

• “The more I [hide from you, raise my voice], the more you [harp on me, shut me out].”