Affairs
Healing from Infidelity:
Rebuilding Trust After an Affair
Infidelity can feel like one of the most devastating experiences in a relationship. The moment of discovery, what some couples call “D-Day,” brings with it an avalanche of confusion and pain. The questions and complex emotions pile up quickly. The sense of isolation can cut like a knife as the trust is shattered and lies in fragments. All the while, the question looms in the air, “Is our relationship worth saving?”
Understanding Infidelity
When Adam and Susanna (names and details changed) sat in my office, Susanna looked at Adam with her arms crossed as Adam stared at the floor. “You say you never stopped loving me,” said Susanna. “But did you love me during the times you were with her?”
“It wasn’t like that,” replied Adam, maintaining his gaze on the carpet.
“Really?” asked Susanna, incredulous. “What was it like? Because I need to understand what you were thinking.” Adam remained fixed, unsure of how to respond.
The affair that brought Susanna and Adam to my office included a physical betrayal. But the pain didn’t begin and end there. It touched every level of their relationship. Susanna struggled to know why her life as she knew it was suddenly taken from her. She demanded to know what was fact and what was fiction.
Adam was at a loss to explain his thoughts and actions, which could be a mystery to even him. He also hoped to spare Susanna from sharing details that would inflict more emotional harm. He felt like a monster for having done this to Susanna and couldn’t bear to see her in more pain. But despite their efforts to understand, what they experienced was a widening emotional disconnect and a larger breakdown in communication.
I’ve learned not to make assumptions. Every couple’s story is unique. And any answer to the “why” behind the affair can look different. Spouses may share a belief that the affair says something about distress in their relationship. Or the affair may be more about the unfaithful spouse’s chosen path apart from their relationship. Regardless, the impact can still feel like the aftermath of an emotional plastic explosive. Their sense of attachment and trust, which can be so precious and fragile, is now in tatters.
The Betrayal Divide
Coming alongside couples in the aftermath of infidelity can be like wading into deep waters with two people who are struggling to stay afloat. They may experience different thoughts and emotions but they are both submerged in pain and uncertainty.
Betrayed Spouses
Depending on the day (or the minute) you may be experiencing symptoms of depression, concentration difficulties, a change in your appetite, and an inability to sleep. The sense of loss is so profound, you may be able to feel it in your body. Your mind goes back-and-forth so much, it seems parts of yourself are at war within you. So, you don’t get a reprieve from the sense of conflict even when your partner is not in the room.
Unfaithful Spouses
You may be experiencing extreme guilt, bewildered that you would violate your values. The sense of confusion may fog your mind, particularly when your spouse has questions you don’t know how to answer. If you have chosen to end the affair, you may be experiencing an emotional loss that you cannot share with anyone, particularly your spouse. Your attempts to reassure or console may backfire as often as not.
Can a Relationship Survive an Affair?
Affair recovery can make a difference in helping couples heal after infidelity. There are many reasons for affairs and the impact on the couple’s relationship can be profound. The purpose of therapy is to gain understanding and clarity as couples begin the healing process.
I do this by helping partners begin to talk about how their heart and their relationship have been injured. It is a tall order to start to share not only your anger but also your hurt with your spouse when there is so much at stake. But this is the only way to discover what repair your attachment bonds need.
Before you decide about the future of your relationship, I encourage you to talk to a counselor who has experience helping couples after an affair. Well-meaning friends and the media can offer advice. But effective counseling can offer an opportunity to slow down to think about the paths ahead.
