Emotionally
Focused Therapy
Attachment: the Force that Drives Us
From childhood and throughout our adult years, there’s something inside each of us that prompts us to reach out to those we care about. What folks in mental health call attachment theory has to do with the emotional ties that pull us together, especially when things get stressful or scary.
We often discover that what partners once heard as shrill ultimatums or deafening silence become requests to draw closer.
When working with couples, I see their attachment desires as a good and necessary thing. Unfortunately, instead of being open about our need for one another, we can submerge those vulnerable feelings. It comes so easily, we don’t even realize it. When this happens, we often find ourselves caught in a whirlpool of blaming and defensiveness that we can’t escape. One partner asks for more help around the house. Or perhaps the other is hurt after feeling sexually ignored. It would be wonderful if these desires could bring loved ones closer together. Unfortunately, the ask comes across as a demand.
“I’m tired of carrying the weight of the household by myself,” is a veiled plea for togetherness and consolation. Instead, the response is resistance as their partner feels defensiveness swell within.
The person declaring, “Our intimacy doesn’t matter to you anymore,” desires connection, but presents it as a complaint.
Soon, the couple is hurtling toward a vortex of self-protection and blame that ends in mutual isolation.
What Makes EFT Unique?
EFT is an empirically validated technique that has shown to be definitively effective with most clients. A part of its power is that it is grounded in the idea that safe and secure emotional connections are as precious as oxygen. And when we are deprived of this security, we’ll use any tactics we’ve come to rely on to get it back. That may mean raising the intensity: “Hello? Are you in there? Respond to me!” Or it may mean withdrawing to deaden the pain: “If I pull away and get lost in work or hobbies, I won’t have to feel like I am not enough.”
EFT goes deeper than tips to resolve conflicts. It allows couples to discover the powerful undercurrents that give rise to the waves of conflicts that keep beating against their relationships. We’ll work together to help you discover and care for your needs below the surface. As we do so, we’ll navigate outside the riptide patterns that threaten to pull you both down.
How EFT Can Help
For Couples: EFT helps couples understand one another on a heart level, leading to kinder and more genuine communication, intimacy, and trust.
For Individuals: EFT is not just for couples. It also provides insight for individuals into how internal perceptions shape outward behaviors. Clients often find that positive impacts can extend beyond improving primary relationships. It also allows them to create healthier connections with themselves and others.
Healing Past Wounds: In a safe therapeutic setting, past emotional injuries are honored and valued. When clients can explore legitimate internal experiences rather than pushing them down, they can use that energy more productively. They can start to move forward with greater compassion and understanding.
My Approach to EFT
As a therapist trained in EFT, I offer a warm, non-judgmental environment where you can explore your relationship dynamics safely. Using Emotionally Focused Therapy, I help couples come together as they begin to see the true villain is not eachother but the destructive cycle that has them by the throats. I also work with both of them asking about their hurt feelings that hide underneath their frustration. We often discover that what partners once heard as shrill ultimatums or deafening silence become requests to draw closer.
I help partners say to one another the desires of their hearts, which can sound like:
“Are you there for me? I want you to see me, even when I am unhappy.”
”I need you, but it is scary to ask…Will you come if I call for you?”
”Outwardly, I’m walled-off, but on the inside, I’m empty because I worry I’ve disappointed you.”
When partners turn and share their hurt with one another, they start to do something new. They navigate outside the pattern-reinforcing currents that once left them bruised and alone. This doesn’t mean they settle for surface-level attempts to pacify one another. Because in relationships, waves of emotional responses are inevitable. Instead, they experience a place of connection and empathy on a deeper level as they hold onto one another through calm times and stormy tempests. The very crises that once set them adrift from each other now become opportunities to draw closer together.
