Grief and Loss
Understanding Grief:
Navigating Loss and Healing
Grief may be the natural response to loss, but it is also one of the most vivid and untamable forces a person can experience. Grief is deep sorrow. It can be described as waves of emotion or an uninvited companion. If it is a companion, it can feel like one you are handcuffed to. And this new companion doesn’t mind plunging to depths of emotion, taking you along for the ride.
Your sorrow may be the emotional avalanche triggered by the death of your loved one. Or perhaps you are experiencing divorce—the legal shorthand for your family being dismantled bit by bit, leaving you to soldier on among the pieces. Or maybe your life has taken a horrible turn and now you find yourself in a oneway cul de sac of pain. The distress may resemble depression, but you can point to a profound change that can never be altered. You can easily identify what has been taken from you.
The bargain we strike may sound like, “If only I had [paid closer attention, said it more clearly, etc.], then this would not have happened.”
Touchpoints of Grief
When we embark on the journey of significant loss, it is like trekking through another country we never desired to visit. Everything feels foreign and painful. On the journey, we notice ourselves emersed in new landscapes of different emotional states. The new normal doesn’t go away, but our experiences can shift.
Renowned psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross came alongside people close to death and found five common experiences.
Denial
When the shock can be so overwhelming, denial may actually be a kindness of the heart. As we mentally shut the door on some realities for a time, it allows us to process what we can handle.
Bargain
Perhaps one of the worst feelings is to feel powerless. Often, we’d rather shoulder the responsibility. Sometimes that means wishing we had some super-human insight or ability at a time when it could have mattered most. The bargain we strike may sound like, “If only I had [paid closer attention, said it more clearly, etc.], then this would not have happened.”
Anger
The injustice of the loss boils over as the situation won’t change despite our protests. Clients may blame themselves or others. Some ask, “How could God allow this?” Irritability is a constant hum just below the surface.
Depression
The reality of the loss is unmovable and saturates so many parts of life. While others seem to move on as if nothing has happened, the waves of grief seem to continue. Depending on the day, we carry a heavy load of grief in our bodies, which is mentally and physically exhausting. We may develop physical symptoms. The full force of the loss pours into nearly every opening in our hearts.
Acceptance
Acceptance isn’t about experiencing a return to “the way it was.” Sadly, we can’t turn back time. We have to take life as it is. We find a new sense of balance as we walk the path before us. In our hearts, it can feel like a part of us has been amputated. Despite the loss, we try to adjust and build new muscles, leaning on the abilities and support that we have. We do our best, resting when we need to and being gracious with ourselves when we stumble. And perhaps in those moments, small spurts of peace or joy pop through unexpectedly. We may even rediscover a sense of meaning in what we do as we serve others in this new normal.
Warnings About Grief
No One Right Way
Knowing about these different experiences can be comforting for clients to not feel so alone in what feels like a tilt-a-whirl of different emotional states. However, I do want to offer the reassurance that there is no one right way to grieve and you should not view these experiences as sequential. So if you find yourself visiting and revisiting familiar touchstones, that does not mean that you are failing at grieving or backsliding.
No Straight Line
The path of healing is not a steady and gradual incline to feeling better. It would be nice if each day was a predictable fraction of a percent better than the last. Because when you think you should be feeling better but you feel yourself circling back to a familiar old touchpoint of grief, it can be discouraging. Grief is a journey on a mountainous trail, not an escalator to the upper level. There a hard climbs and unexpected descents. Today may feel more discouraging than yesterday. But perhaps over time, you experience that although the dark valleys haven’t vanished, they are not as deep and frequent as they once were.
No Fast Lane
A common question from clients is, “How long will this pain last? When will it end?” What the question implies is, “This hurts, and I am tired of hurting.” It would be nice if grief were more gentle. Often, it cuts like a surgeon’s knife. And if it is necessary, fine, but it would make it more endurable if there was some timetable for a recovery room to look forward to. Plus, well-meaning friends may imply we need to hurry our healing. “We gotta’ get you out so you can get over this.” But our hearts know better.
Healing takes time. You may not be able to fast-track yourself to a higher emotional plateau, but you also don’t have to be passive about it. There are things you can do to care for your hurting heart.
Care for Your Heart
Be Good to Yourself
You’ve probably heard it enough that you may experience a fair amount of eye-rolling, but it is important to take care of yourself during this time. The mind and body are inextricably connected. This means you may need to take yourself in hand and go through the motions of nutrition and exercise, whether you feel like it or not. That means putting proteins and vegetables in your mouth and reminding yourself to chew. Drink plenty of water. Remember to rest. Even if you aren’t in full REM sleep, just laying quietly can be restorative.
Lean on Others
In societies where people grieve best, people are grieving in community. Get together with friends who care for you. That means you may have to be the one to initiate a get-together.
You can also find a support group. Perhaps a part of you rebels at this idea. If you feel too walled off to meet new people or worry that no one would understand, those are valid concerns. Would you also allow me to suggest another possibility? There may be other hurting people who would find comfort and healing from your story. Also, there can be a powerful sense of connection and togetherness for those who have been carved by the life-altering force of grief. GriefShare can be a wonderful opportunity to find support and is available nationwide. And for those going through a divorce, DivorceCare provides a safe place for those experiencing separation to find connection with others.
Lift up Others
It also helps to use your grief as a catalyst to lift up others. Some people become creative and find a way to honor the love of their heart. People have felt many ways to give, from starting a fund to benefit others to crocheting hats for babies. Sure, treat yourself to that favorite chai drink infused with cinnamon. But also don’t dismiss the power of allowing your loss to play a meaningful part in your healing as you show care for others.
Connect with God
If you are someone who values your faith, turning to God can be a place of comfort and solace. Believers in God can rest in the knowledge that although they feel alone and in pain, someone who cares is always with them. They lean on promises and a hope they may not feel in the moment, but they can trust are there. They respond to the invitation to lay before God their heaviest burden. They ask to receive a sense of inner peace that’s beyond explanation. Allowing yourself to rest in God and seeking spiritual support from your faith community can be a powerful part of your healing.
Get Professional Support
A good therapist can provide a safe space to explore your emotions. Look for one who won’t hurry you or misunderstand your grief as you being in a funk. Your grief is not something to be fixed and there is no way around it. The only way is through it. A counselor who is a good fit won’t shrink back at the opportunity to go through it with you. And if you are a people pleaser, let me empower you to be firm on this point: if you don’t find a good fit with your therapist, say so. Ask for referrals or search for a therapist who is a closer fit with you and your needs.
Your Grief Story
Your grief story is your own and no one else’s. So wouldn’t it be nice if it came with the Google Maps app so that you knew where the detours and slowdowns would be? But alas, you may feel like a Roomba robot vacuum in a cluttered room, doing your best to move forward, but you keep bumping into objects in the dark. Grief is messy, painful, and disorienting. There are no shortcuts. You may even feel like you are circling back to touchpoints you thought you’d said good riddance to.
Although your story is unique to you, you don’t have to go through it alone. When your heart will let you, find connection and support with others who will walk with you. As you do, permit yourself to take baby steps. You get credit for little things like taking a 10-minute walk or texting a friend.
I hope your injury will not remain an open wound one minute longer than it has to be. And although it may become a scar that’s an ever-present reminder of the loss, that’s not your grief’s whole story. The pain can become interwoven with a new fabric of thoughtfulness, empathy for others, and special strengths you didn’t know existed.
