The Tip of the Iceberg
What Goes on Beneath the Surface
The Bond Beneath the Fight
After an intense fight with Justin, Jessica found herself alone in the bedroom. She sat on the edge of the bed, lost in thought. Her mind reviewed her most recent argument that gathered momentum like a snowball. Voices rose. Words became daggers. Now Jessica was left wondering, “What has happened to us?”
It’s easy to assume that conflict means something is broken or that love has faded. But according to Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the opposite is often true. When we experience the frustration of conflict without the reassurance of repair, there is a longing for connection that has gone unmet.
The Attachment Story Behind the Argument
EFT is grounded in attachment theory, the science of how we bond and stay connected to those we love. Just as a child looks for reassurance from a caregiver, adults in romantic relationships instinctively seek emotional safety and closeness with one another.
What happens when that bond feels threatened? For Jessica, and many like her, when she feels unseen, unheard, or emotionally distant from her spouse, a chain reaction of powerful emotions let her know something is wrong. Some people reach out with anger or criticism. That was Jessica’s protective move. “Why don’t you ever listen to me?” she would ask. Still others, including her husband, Justin, withdraw or shut down altogether. He responded to Jessica, “I just can’t deal with this right now”).
Underneath both reactions is a shared longing: “Do I matter to you?” “Can I count on you?”
Conflict as a Protest for Connection
In EFT, we see that most arguments aren’t about the surface issue. They are really about the disconnection underneath it. The fight over chores, money, or in-laws is often a protest: a desperate attempt to restore closeness and reassurance.
Justin assumed he knew Jessica’s motives. All she wanted was to fight. But in Jessica’s world, and on a level she wasn’t 100% aware of, she just wanted to know she wasn’t alone. Her protest had all the warning signs of frustration. His reaction felt to Jessica like his familiar vanishing act. But beneath the surface of their protective moves, they are really aching to say, “I’m hurting. I need you to see me.”
Shifting the Cycle
When couples begin to see their conflict as a cycle, instead of as a personal flaw, something changes. They can slow down the speed and turn down the intensity. The can send a signal that says, “I want to be with you. I am trying.”
The goal isn’t to never argue again. After all, you will always have a cycle. The sweet spot is to look below the surface beneath the tip of the iceberg. It is to learn to recognize the fear and longing that fuel the pattern. When husbands and wives can name what’s really happening, it sounds different.
“I am scared you will turn away from me.”
“I know you are upset, but I feel so lonely without you over here.”
“I need to know that I matter to you. Without that, I’m devastated.”
This is where the defensive walls come down an inch or two. This is also where healing can begin.
The Deeper Meaning of Love
My (Chip’s) two cents about good therapy is that you shouldn’t go away feeling like a bad client for the feelings you feel. Instead, we (your spouse and I) want to know about your emotions. They indicate to you something needs attention. And if we take the time to understand you, they’ll also make sense to us (your couples therapist and your spouse). And in that place, we have a chance for something new: your spouse may be able to see the painful bind you are in and turn to care for you rather than turn away.
Takeaway
The next time tension rises, pause before assuming something is wrong with your relationship. Ask yourself, “What’s really happening underneath this?”
Chances are, the heart of the matter isn’t anger under the surface. It’s an unmet need for love, reaching out for reassurance.
